Waste

A lot has been going on in my life. Cross roads and questions galore. One theme that keeps coming up though is waste. Whether it is wasted money, wasted time, wasted vote, wasted life, with every question that begs a decision this theme of waste is also somehow attached. 

With our election last fall, there was the difficult question of who do you vote for. Even long time followers of a party did not feel comfortable voting for their party’s chosen candidate. People began discussing voting third party or not even voting at all and diehards of the two traditional parties cried out “You’ll be wasting your vote!” It is a persons vote to waste though right? 

In my personal life at that time, my sweet Babboo had succumbed to alcoholism. We talked and argued, he lied and manipulated – as alcoholics do, and we discussed constantly his need to quit. My heart hurt watching him waste his life away. The question soon became for me of wasted time, wasted emotional energy, wasted effort and the wasting away of myself in living with an alcoholic. I finally asked him to leave. Then he finally got help. 

During this time it was also realized, after a seemingly bazillion years, I am realistically 3 semesters away from graduating university. I have only been able to go part time as I work full time and support myself so it has taken a while. Steadily though I have chipped away at it and now the question became, what is next? Graduate school or out into the world using my newly minted degree? I asked my friends and professors “PhD, was it worth it?” In other words would I be wasting my time and money. They all said yes it was worth it for various reasons and as I looked further into it I became excited about the possibility. I love learning. The world is a fascinating place and the prospect of learning and doing research while being paid to do so… It is a no brainer! Finally I could be a regular student. Now it is a matter of deciding my focus and finding a university. 

The outside world and mine are very intertwined. My undergraduate degree will be in biology and there is a slight emphasis towards ecology due to the number of ecology classes I have taken along with minors in Russian and chemistry. The current administration has been systematically undoing years of environmental legislation in our country. This election and new administration has brought about a new interest for me in what goes on politically both in our country and globally. Scientists and their work are being dismissed without looking at what research and history has shown us. The very thing I love and have spent years learning is being treated as if it were voodoo magic without logical reason. Sadly the one thing that makes science most beautiful is the fact that a scientist will never say “I am 100% certain…” At best we can say we are 99% sure leaving that 1% open for the miracles of what we know we don’t know. Unfortunately, the general populace wants and deals with only absolutes. Beyond a reasonable doubt is not even good enough they want 100% guaranteed. Because this is not possible, our testimony of 99% surety, often backed by multiple studies and years of research, is regulated into the background as unproven. Thus regulations have been reversed and in the meantime the concept of waste and our environment has taken on a global meaning.

I have always recycled and considered myself a friend of the environment. My studies have only strengthened this as has the current administration. I began to ask myself how can I reduce even more the waste I produce? Admittedly I am bad about remembering to bring my cloth bags to the grocery and there are other areas as well I’m sure could be better. I am only human and therefore far from perfect. 

Since I usually write about running one may ask, what does all of this have to do with running? It has everything to do with running. Whether running on roads or out on the trail the environment matters. The air you breathe matters. The trash you may produce while running whether it’s gel packets or banana peels and how you dispose of them matters. Running is one of the simplest forms of being there is and it drives me to be the best possible me I can be. While you only need the most minimal of gear, how the gear was made, where and the impact of consuming that gear also has come into question. At what point does consuming begin to consume us? 

The nap after the Sunday Long Run

I just awoke from a nap, clutching my stomach and tears rolling down my face.

The dream did not make much sense until the very end. I was searching, working with photos and texts. One person behind me, a man, challenged me saying I wasn’t working. I replied that it was personal. He says, ‘but it is only pictures’. I say, ‘Fine do you want to see it then?’. I turned to give him what I had been working on, but couldn’t find it. It wasn’t until my friend asks, ‘What are these little dots?’, that I understood. I said in a panic, ‘Where is it?! Where do you see it?’ While still in my dream, the realization suddenly hit me what I was dreaming about. I rested my forehead on the desk clutching my now flattened stomach that seemed to turn in on itself it was so empty and began to cry.

This is what running does for you. It rips you open to the very center of your being and sharpens, brings to focus, the things you believed you had dealt with or even just things that will never be forgotten. You know it will do this and you still go out the door. You embrace the quiet of the predawn, because despite the pain and discomfort of running, every time you run you are choosing to live, completely and fully. Maybe it is because the anniversary of their coming into being is only weeks away. It has been almost 3 years since their conception and then loss. Or maybe, it is that several people have brought up the fact that despite my upcoming birthday, maybe it is not too late.

Or maybe it is because this time my running is different. In the past, running has always been a coping mechanism, a way to relieve pain and stress. After the miscarriage, the miles were almost to punish my body for failing my babies and me. Now, post surgery, I run and build miles because of a love for my body and the strength it has shown me through running. Now, I run and build miles because of the strength my heart and mind have shown me through running. We have gone full circle, my body, heart and mind and have united.

Dr. George Sheehan wrote: “When I run, I am the hunter and the prey is my self, my own truth.” and that is why I run. Well, one of the reasons…

Originally written 8/24/14

 

Are you there G-d? It’s me Amanda…

Life is what happens when you are trying to live.

I’ve written before how many reasons there are to run and especially run 50 miles. I have joked that it will be a spiritual experience, yet that is exactly what it is becoming. The layers of emotions that are being peeled off with week after week of training is startling. Each completed workout is a triumph by itself and sometimes leaves me empty. I have struggled with depression before and this last month has been a tough one. Things at home are challenging. Working two jobs has been exhausting. I lost my 3rd pet in 16 months unexpectedly in June due to Feline Leukemia. Unbeknownst to me and despite being tested at the shelter where she was adopted from, my sweet Zelda left me far too soon and a huge hole in my heart. Cosmo and Maggie passed due to old age and their loss was hard also as I have loved them since they were puppies. Zelda was a shock though. When you pour yourself into what and who you love there are times when you become thin and vulnerable.

I lay awake at night and wonder how am I going to do it?

Classes start next Monday and while I love the learning, I am not looking forward to the extra workload. I debated taking the semester off due to financial issues regarding tuition, plus again, life is just hectic. After looking into it though, I discovered it will be easier to just soldier on.

I lay awake at night and wonder how am I going to get it all done?

My brother called a few weeks ago, Margaret is having her reconstructive surgery right after the race, can I come help with the girls? Without question I will be there and happy to do so. I asked off both jobs and emailed professors. Again wondering, how am I going to get it all done? Manage my office work, school work, all the way from Texas while caring for 3 scared little girls and a more scared little brother?

The layers of emotion, the thinness of me, flayed and open…

Before I had my faith that carried me, but after my miscarriage years ago that started to fall away. No one prays harder than a mother for her baby, yet they are gone. Even after that I held on. I still prayed. I surrendered control to You. Yet I still lost and continue to lose those I love.

The hours spent on the road and in the woods are the times I feel most alive. It is lonely though too sometimes. My running partners have different goals and not everyone has the time or desire to spend 5+ hours in the woods, so often I run alone and I am fine with that. It is a journey I embrace. I finished my first 50k in 105 heat index and I had the best time! I have met amazing people, made new friends and saw spectacular beauty. And the layers keep peeling. I have so much gratitude for all of this! I am thankful for every run, that I am able to move my body and do what I love. I am thankful for the food I eat and the roof over my head. I am very thankful to have a second job that helps me to continue my education and learn new exciting things. I am blessed and tired.

20+ miles in and still smiling!

Yay! 31 miles!!

The day after and headed home. A great race and experience.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before I would quietly know, all will be okay. Before I lost my faith. Now the silence is deafening. I still know I will accomplish what I will, but I have realized in the last few months, somewhere over the years I have lost my G-d. Last night with tears running down my face, I realized I was embarrassed to admit that. I am embarrassed to admit I am scared to pray because I don’t think I am heard. Most of all is the pain of lost faith, of feeling alone. That is the hardest to process. My faith has always been strong, my love for Him seen in all people, creatures and the beauty around me. People who really know me, know I am a positive, lover of life and even receive great joy from the ridiculously mundane, such as the noise hamsters make chewing on carrots. What’s not to love about that?

I am searching for You- are you there? Do you hear me?

After writing this, maybe my faith isn’t completely lost, just in a struggle. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. I will continue to live, learn and love generously. I am squeezing the most I can out of this life graciously given me even though at times it overwhelms me. I have joked more than once that 50 miles will be a spiritual awakening.  Now I believe deep down inside when I signed up for this race there was a piece of my heart still praying, praying that it will be.

Berryman Trail

It is spring break and I am a regular person, well sort of…

Working everyday has been an adjustment and that adjustment is still ongoing. After the first week I suffered a strained sartorius due to the repetitive nature of Job 2. It threw off a week of training, which I admit was discouraging. On the first day of spring, March 20, I tested the muscle with an easy long run and it seemed solidly on the mend. The first day of spring I was blessed with one more play date with snow. The weather has been over the top lately with 70 one day and then 40 the next. It snowed hard at the beginning of my long run and by the time I was done it was completely gone. Just like it had never happened! In fact those who slept in that Sunday would have been hard pressed to believe it had snowed.

First day of spring snow storm

This little guy was a first day of spring casualty.

Last week I was very nervous. I had 20 miles scheduled Saturday followed by 8 hours of standing at Job 2. I had no idea how that would play out. I skipped my normal Thursday cross training of Taekwondo and went to bed early. Friday I went to bed even earlier. Saturday I had to be to work at 9AM, so my alarm sounded at 3 and I was out the door running by 3:50. My two run partners Mk and K who are also running the marathon in April, our girls weekend, had agreed to meet me at 5 for 14 miles so I only had to get 6 in on my own. I have the best run partners!

It ended up being a beautiful morning! Perfect mid 40’s weather for a long run. As you can see, I actually ended up with 21 miles instead of 20. The route mapped by MK was a little longer than 14 miles. 21 miles is even after I cut the route short because I was running out of time. While I didn’t exactly race home, I did do some strides at the end, which surprisingly felt great. I stuffed my face, showered, threw on my compression socks and Birkenstocks was out the door and to work right on time. I also filled my water bottle with Tailwind. I’ve been trying this product out and figured the calories would be a good thing until I was able to take my lunch break. Side note: If you haven’t tried Tailwind, I highly recommend it.

I am happy to report it wasn’t a bad day at all! I was a little stiff, yes and hungry of course, but all in all it worked out. At the end of the day I was bushed! I made it home and we walked Miss Ella. I ate dinner, had my post 21 mile treat and headed to bed.

A well earned treat. Ice cream is a weakness of mine- so good!!

Because I am also training for an ultra in the fall, I have embraced the run/walk method. K is the one who first introduced me to it several years ago as I was coming back from surgery and she from having a baby. I will admit though I was not a big believer. That is until I woke up Sunday morning  a little stiff, but virtually pain free. Unheard after a 21 mile long run!! I even went for a quick easy 5.7 mile run before work. It is hard to believe a 30-60 second walk every mile could make such a difference, but it does.

It is spring break for me this week. All I have to do is be a regular person that goes to work and comes home. It is very nice. I am especially enjoying not having as much school work in the evening and thus heading to bed earlier. A 7:30-8 pm bedtime of a not so regular person, but a distance runner in training. This beautiful morning consisted of some steady miles in the middle and it was good. While my adjustment to my new schedule is still going, it seems to be headed in the right direction.

Happy Running!!

Wednesday morning speed work.

My pants were inside out.

It has been a while since I’ve had an opportunity to sit down and write. Several reasons for this, the biggest one being word press no longer works on my home computer and well, I do not like typing on my phone. So that limits me to publishing from my work computer or a university one however, my favorite time and place to write is at home, over the weekend when it is quiet. I have a game plan for that now though, so hopefully I will soon be back on track.

The other reason I’ve been slacking is I have been crazy busy. Work, school and now I have a second job on the weekends to help pay for school and some home repairs… Oh yeah and training. I am beginning to think I should rename this blog “Student, 2jobs and ultra  training… next post September 18th, 50 mile race report. That is, if I survive…” It has been an adjustment and I consider the mental aspect to be great mental training for the ultra. Always look for the positive!

I have had some fun though. March 6th I ran my first trail half marathon and had my ass handed to me. Seriously. Then I dropped it on the trail and it was handed back to me. This happened several times. I have run road marathons that were easier to me than this half was in spots and road halfs much faster. It was truly an eye opening experience. One that screamed:

“YOU HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO!”

I love being outside and in the woods, but I don’t have a lot of trail experience and this is why I entered. The race was fun, in a strange, painful way. The weather was absolutely perfect- sunny mid 40’s at start. The parts where you could open up a little an actually run were lovely. The other parts were equally lovely, yet in a different way, one I am learning about. Flying down the trail, dodging roots and rocks I admit was fun, but also so challenging! I recognized the benefits of the 5 min repeats in my training plan (Thank you Krissy Moehl- Running Your First Ultra!!). Those were a huge mental help to know I wasn’t dying. I made a lot of mistakes during this race and hopefully learned from them. I now know my weak areas, for example hips and ankles, and will begin work there as well. My hips and ankles by the end of the race were DONE. Honestly, I have never wanted something to be over so badly in my life. I questioned my sanity regarding the 50 mile, along with just my general sanity, several times during the race and on the 2 hour ride home. Not my best moment in trail running. No worries though, as I said I made mistakes. The biggest of which was I ran it like a road race (hangs head in shame). I knew before going in it wasn’t, I have read all about how trails are different and what to expect, I have even run shorter trail race distances and sort of knew better. However, something switched in my brain and off I went. Part way through I even asked myself “What are you doing?!? This is a trail not a road race…blah blah blah”. It didn’t seem to matter and the ass handing began. I’ve spent last week and so far this week recovering, running slow easy stuff. Next time I will really know better and run smarter!

All of that being said, I am happy and proud of my effort and results. I ran 2:23:54 which put me 118/355 overall, 25/148 gender, and 5/27 for my age group. A solid trail start with lots of room to grow and improve!

This past Saturday I showed up to meet friends and run long before job 2. My run partner MK is adjusting my SI and asks: “Are your pants on inside out?”. “Dear G-d, is this what I have been reduced to?!?” I say laughing as I look down. Yes, my Nike capris were indeed inside out. In my defense, I had gotten up early and ran some before meeting them so as to get my miles in before I had to work. Also, my capris are solid black so in the early AM it is truly anyone’s guess as to the state of thin black fabric inside or out. The Nike swoosh was backwards, but again, early morning, dark and not awake… Luckily, my shirt covered the tag and key pocket that would give me away to the general public once the sun came out.

So that is what has been going on in my world. It is hectic, but I’m making it and getting my runs done no matter what the state of my mind, schedule or attire.

Happy Running!

Now for some photos from the Quivering Quads trail race which is put on by Fleet Feet St. Louis. They did an amazing job!! Be sure to scroll to the last photo. It is the race medal, which is absolutely beautiful.

“You are Here” After a 2 hour drive that is nice to know!

Waiting for the race to start. The weather is spectacular!!

Sitting on a log post race and processing.

Pay no mind to the half naked man in the background. I have no idea who he is.

I have to say this is the most beautiful race medal I have ever gotten. The face is wood!

 

 

 

 

The 50 miler – Thanks for not asking why

12/31/15: “Congratulations! You are registered for the Mark Twain 100 – 50 miler. Do you want to share this news on Facebook?” I pause, looking at the big blue button and decide what the hell. The news was then quickly spread on Instagram and Twitter. It was so much easier to to spread the news across social media than it was to click the submit button that charged my card and confirmed my entry into this 50 mile endeavor. Plus, I have sat down several times to write about it and then walked away. Why?

When I texted my run partner the news, I noted that I simultaneously wanted to smile and vomit. That sounds about right for running an ultra from everything I’ve ever read, seen or heard. As the congratulations came across the various media platforms, even though I hadn’t actually run 50 miles yet, surprisingly no one said I was crazy. Instead I had people volunteer for long runs and trails. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the tremendous support I had. Thankfully though, no one asked me why…

I wasn’t worried about other runners asking me so much as the rest of the population.   Ask a runner why they run and you will get a blank look and then maybe a canned answer. If you get a canned answer, it is because they have fielded this question before and realized there is no one answer. I love running! That is the simplest answer for me and I think it is the obvious answer that everyone sees. Therefore, no one questioned my desire to run 50 miles- at least they didn’t to my face. The reasons why I love running are so intensely personal and varied, as they are with all runners. I could spend hours explaining why I run, the joy and peace it gives me, but there is no understanding it unless you yourself do it.

• my meditation and spiritual time
• health: both general and pain management for arthritis
• helps with depression and anxiety from past traumas
• friendship and community
• dealing with everyday stress
• discovering myself and becoming the best me possible

This is a short list of reasons in no particular order. These reasons listed today are not necessarily the same reasons as to why I started running to begin with. Even still, my reasons are not the same as yours and that’s okay. They don’t have to be. The emotions and feelings are still shared when the run is done and the finish line crossed. Because as you breathe and struggle next to me on the road or the trail,  I share your pain and struggle. I have been where you are and I will gladly come again. We can cheer each other, silently if need be. Even if I don’t look over as I pass you or you pass me, know I have acknowledged you. I have gratitude for you sharing in this with me, this thing I love.

As for why 50 miles? I could describe to you my decision making process that led me to this. In fact, I started a post to do just that.It was well thought out and discussed with my running partner. Or, I could tell you other reasons such as: it has always been something I wanted to do, that I love being outside, I’ve been wanting to start running trails, I want to get a trucker hat, etc. The reality is I do not have a satisfactory answer as to “Why?” Which was why it was so easy to blurt out a quick sound bite across social media, yet so difficult to actually write about. I know the reasons I give today will change and evolve over the next 9 months. This is part of the process of running, the growing that is involved, especially running that far. I am looking forward to this and writing about it.  The best, most honest answer I have today is I am curious. I want to dig deep inside of me, pull that out and take a hard look at it. I want to live. This answer I do not think will ever change and so I run.

Happy Running!!

I ran today for my sanity and the sake of all humanity.

After my race last Saturday, I took a planned break from running. The only other breaks I’ve ever had from running have been forced as the result of injuries. I’ve had a great and very successful year that I am proud of. I raced a lot this year and as a result, my body and mind needed this break. I was looking forward to it. Sleeping in, eating and relaxing what’s not to look forward to? The elites do it and even brag about getting “fat”. Add to that the chaos of the holidays, the timing seemed perfect. The original plan was to start again New Years eve, except PMS, holiday stress and general lack of running blues happened. So for the sake of my own sanity and those around me I had to modify that plan.

The first part of the week went well since I was still sore from my race. I enjoyed all sorts of articles about running, while thinking about my 2016 plans.

What I was reading- Great book!

This is what relaxing looks like! Zelda, a glass of wine, while reading about running my first ultra.

Running however, is my meditation and while swimming and biking help, they don’t compare. There is something about being outside in the quiet, surrounded by nature or just being with your best friend as you run. You and the road nothing else. It clears the head and centers the soul. It is magical.

Tuesday I started to get grumpy. “PMS and not running do not mix.” I text my run partner. To which she coyly answers, “You could always run a few easy with me in the morning…” She know me too well- knows my need to run. I ask about her run plans for the rest of the week and reply “Maybe Sunday”. Staying strong I again say, mostly to remind myself, how I really need this break. By Wednesday afternoon I was researching ‘taking a break from running’. A quick google search led me to some great articles assuring me planned breaks were much better than the unplanned injury kind and that on average they seemed to last 1-2 weeks. Some even suggested that it could help my performance such as this one from Runner’s World: http://www.runnersworld.com/running-tips/take-a-break-for-peak-performance. The RW article also suggested running a few times a week to help stay in shape. So this is what I based my modified plan on. A short run today and then 2-3 short runs next week that will include some pickups in the middle. This should round out 2015

I made it 6 days of no running at all and I am proud of my break. It was great and I will continue to enjoy sleeping in next week but, in a lot of ways it was really hard for me! Other than a peaceful, quiet 10 mile bike ride Christmas morning, biking to work, walking the dog, and taekwondo, I did rest. I only ran a little over 3 miles this morning and my legs and joints felt great! Mentally, I am recharged as well and excited about the upcoming year. It will be tough, but very fulfilling with great adventures. 2016 training will begin 1/4 with a few weeks of slow build up and then marathon training for April. Now that I know what to expect from a planned break, I will be sure incorporate and look forward to several key breaks in the coming year.

Happy Holidays and running!!!

I whistled up a pack of these demon dogs as if I were atop a horse headed out to a fox hunt, except I ran like I was the fox…

The morning was crystal clear and quietly beautiful. The car was packed and I was filled with gratitude to be headed off to do what I love. I was about 20 miles down the highway into a 2 hour drive, when I realized I had left Lucy, my Garmin 305, on the charger at home. Well, that was a game changer…

I had decided last Tuesday evening I was going to go ahead and participate in The Run for the Ranch half marathon in Springfield MO on 12/19/15. The weather was supposed to be nice, mid 40’s, actually perfect for racing. I was excited. It would be my last race of the year and after that I was taking a week to 10 days off from running.

It is an unusual race, in that it is a loop of 3.275 miles. The half marathon was 4 loops, the marathon 8. There was also a timed 6 hour ultra where you complete as many loops as possible in the allotted time. I had several reasons for deciding to go:

• I like to race
• 10 am start time meant I didn’t have to get a hotel or wake up at 3 am to drive
• I could practice pacing because the 4 loops divided it perfectly
• It was a race I had always wanted to run
• I could stop at the local running store and pick up a pair of trail shoes… (There isn’t a running store in my small town)

It was the ‘practice pacing’ that really sold me though. I had good luck in the half I ran in November using a “new to me” race strategy (See first blog post: 2016 Running or should I say endurance goals?). I wanted to practice that again with the no guess work, evenly divided 4 loops. So when I realized that Lucy was indeed home, nestled in her charger fully charged and ready to go, I was stunned.

See? She was  right where I left her, ready to go, when I got home…

The main reason for going was to practice pacing- now what?!? I didn’t have time to turn around to get her and still make the race, so I drove on. My Sweet Babboo assured me everything would be okay and I agreed. It wasn’t what I had planned, but it would be interesting. I had hopes of a timer at every loop so I could mentally track my splits. If not, Sweet Babboo would wait for me and call out my time as I went around which is what ended up happening. (Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without him!)

3.275 miles is a long time to be running blind. Too long to really make up time. I have to admit it was awful- mentally that is. The race itself was great, volunteers amazing and the post race, well I’ll get to that. But the loops…

“Demons are like obedient dogs; they come when they are called.”
― Rémy de Gourmont

I went into it with a good, positive attitude. It is what it is, right? Plus it wasn’t  a big race for me, just practice. I love racing and all in all running is simply fun. Yet, I whistled up a pack of these demon dogs as if I were atop a horse headed out to a fox hunt, except I ran like I was the fox. I have raced a lot this year and I have a good idea about pace and what it feels like, but yesterday everything felt hard. When I finished the first loop and Sweet Babboo called my time of 28:01, one of the demon dogs nipped at my heal. That felt too hard to be an 8:33 pace and I still had 3 more loops to go…

Every athlete wants to quit at least once in a race. The greats are those that can muzzle the dogs and get them to sleep quietly by the fire while they work. I wanted to quit so many times yesterday. I felt alone as the hounds surrounded me. I ran blind and panicked, flailing. I yelled at them to back off and they retreated slightly as I picked up the pace. That was the plan, to try and run successively quicker loops. As I came around again, Sweet Babboo called out my time. I heard 28 again. I was shocked. I knew I had run a quicker loop than that. When I went back and looked, it was actually 26:06. I didn’t know that though and while I was somewhat crushed, I only had 2 more loops to run. So I ran and tried to pick it up some more.

The nice thing about running loop races is that after the first loop you always know where you are. This race though, did not have mile markers so there was a bit of guessing involved on my part. There was the aid station, the construction house and the ladies with the clapper hands wearing multicolored tutus. I have never been so happy to hear such an obnoxious noise ever. Those ladies meant the loop was over half complete. I loved those cheery, lovely ladies!! On loop 2, I had asked a gentleman running what pace we were at. I wouldn’t have bothered him except I noticed that he had just checked his watch. He said something about 8-8:30 is what he had been running at. We started to chat and he told me that 2 weeks ago he had qualified for Boston and was running this marathon for fun. He admitted that 2 weeks might be too soon to run another, but why not? He was kicking ass and I told him so. He caught up to me in loop 3 and kindly told me the pace, 7:40-8. For that moment, I wasn’t completely blind or alone and I was finally hitting a rhythm, but it hurt. “Are you going to drop the hammer on the final lap?” he asks. “Ha! That is the plan, but we will see.” I passed by Sweet Babboo, he yells “great job!” to which I respond “I am dying”, except this loop he didn’t call out a time. There was a slight error in the timing in that the lap button had gotten hit twice. It ended up to be about 27:18.

The 4th loop I was hurting. I wasn’t kidding when I said I was dying. My legs did not have much left. I wanted to “drop the hammer” I really did!! And I tried. I watched Boston guy stop off at the porta potty while I ran on. The hounds breathed around me, panting their hot breath on my legs. My hips screamed as I ran and the dogs said “walk, go ahead, no one would blame you…”. But I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I have walked many times in races before, but not this day. This race was to be experienced fully in all of it’s watch less glory. I would not give up.

Boston guy caught up to me on the 4th lap. I was happy and disheartened to see him at the same time. Happy because, at this point a friendly face is always welcome and disheartened because, well, that meant I had slowed down too much. “I saw you go into the porta potty and you still caught up to me.” I deadpanned. He assured me I was doing great and it was almost done. I told him my legs were done and he tried to rally me some with talk of interval training. We chatted for a few more minutes more and then thanked each other for the company. He ran on and I was alone again, but this time the dogs were quiet. I was almost done.

I crossed the line at 1:49:39. Not my best time this year or ever, but the race was hard fought and won. All things considered I may be most proud of this race and I am glad I ran it. Yesterday I faced myself head on and took no crap. I could have ditched my original plan all together, but instead I still tried to practice pace. I learned that while I have a good feel for it, more practice is needed. I learned that Lucy may need to stay at home more often or at least have some sort of covering over her so I can’t read the numbers until the run is complete. Most importantly, I learned that all of the racing I did this year served it’s purpose. The demon dogs could run along side me all they wanted, they would not get me down. They were part of me and I them. Now I think, I will picture beagles frolicking in the fields and rolling in the sunshine. There is nothing scary about that.

*I highly recommend this race! The volunteers were fabulous and post race they gave you hot soup in the mugs pictured above. I promise you it was the best tasting chicken noodle soup ever!

Oh, and I did get those trails shoes – 2016 will be fun!

Running always shows you something even if it is simply the joy of being alive. Happy Running!!!

 

One winter I slept in my running tights and sport bra…

“Wearing only the weightless nylon shorts he slept in, he ambled stiffly to the dawn-lit window and stood momentarily, drowsily enjoying the pale orange-yellow glow that suffused the blackjack oaks outside his room… He did not like this early morning business, but the idea of forgoing it, even for one morning, never crossed his mind.” Once a Runner. John L. Parker, Jr.

If you have not read Once a Runner, you should. Especially if you are a runner, have ever run, or even thought of running. Seriously stop everything, get this book and read it. I have read it twice and will read it again whenever I need a quick dose of inspiration regarding running or even just life. It will jazz you up like no other. Unlike Quentin Cassidy though, I do think twice, sometimes 3-4 times, of forgoing my 4:30 am wake up call. I love running, I really do! Especially in the winter, when the roads are quiet and peaceful, but the bed is warm and inviting…So what is a girl to do?

Well for starters, I always hang up my running clothes so that I can find them quickly and without too much thought. My running clothes always have priority space over my regular clothes. This is perfectly normal, right? One winter, like Cassidy sleeping in his run shorts, I often slept in my running tights and sport bra. See, the thing that drives most athletes to constantly seek improvement is not what others think, but what you know and think about yourself. What you feel you are capable of doing and more importantly what you are afraid you cannot do, but are determined to tackle anyway. When my alarm went off, I was already mostly dressed to head out the door and this was very effective towards making that happen. Only once did I suffer myself the humiliation of taking off my running clothes without having actually run. Nobody else knew about it- but I knew. I’m not suggesting that you can never alter a training plan and miss a day. I’m just saying that for even those who are most passionate about their sport, sometimes just getting out the door can be a challenge.

Running partners also help tremendously with regards to accountability. Knowing someone is waiting for you in the predawn, sharing your special kind of crazy, is good incentive to get out the door. But what if your special someone at home doesn’t share your kind of crazy? My Sweet Babboo does not get up until 7 and in the past year I have tried several things so as not wake him while I head out for my morning run.

For a long time, after checking the weather, I would just set out my run clothes in the living room the night before. This worked out fairly well until the table started to get cluttered. The weather in Missouri is very unpredictable, except in the summer where hot and humid is guaranteed. Spring, Fall or Winter however, is a crap shoot. I ran a Snow Glo 5k this past Friday (12/11) in shorts and it was an evening run, so no sun. A week ago, I was in tights. In Missouri it can literally vary from tights to shorts from one morning to the next. So as you can imagine, the spot I had designated for my running clothes was getting out of control with rejected “just in case” long or short sleeve shirts, socks and shorts vs capris. We had decided to turn the spare bedroom into my study for school and with it came my very own running closet.

You know you are a runner when: your run clothes have their own closet!

Let’s not forget the shoes: current shoes, retired shoes, recovery shoes, race shoes, different drop shoes…

You will note that all seasons are represented and hanging ready to go. The table is no longer cluttered with various running clothes and I can make last minute changes to my gear without waking my Sweet Babboo. A happy home and win for all.

When you are driven, you will challenge yourself and find a way to set yourself up for success. Happy running!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

2016 Running or should I say endurance goals?

One of the many benefits of being a runner is the amazing beauty you get to see every morning. Usually though, all of the tough questions have been asked and serious conversations occur long before the sun comes up leaving you ready to fully receive the day. Except for when your running partner says this: “So, what are your running goals for next year?”…

My run goals for 2016? Wait, is it that time already? This is the same running partner that already has us doing a marathon in April and a century ride in June. So you can imagine my confusion when this question came up. I mean, isn’t that enough to accomplish in a year? I know why she asks this question though. She know me. She knows I want to get faster and that I love racing. She asks, because she wants to know what kind of crazy she is signing up for in the next year. Fair enough.

So for the last 4 days my brain has been rolling this around because, what are my goals anyway? I thought about this past year and my running, but first a little background. In December 2013, on Friday the 13th, I had surgery on my left ankle. A peroneus tendon repair and micro-fracture to the calcaneous to drain a bone bruise that was not healing on its own. A two for one surgery so to speak. The same amount of time off the doctor assured me. The problem was everyone underestimated the age of the tendon injury and rehab did not go as expected. 2014 was spent trying to get back on the road with some sort of consistency.

The tendon injury, it was finally realized, dated back to high school when I was in ballet. It was never a problem because I was overweight and inactive throughout my mid 20’s to early 30’s. Life happens and in my case events happened that led to depression and my weight gain (another later possible post). The injury did become an issue though, when I decided to take my life back through running. As I became more fit and focused on becoming a competitive masters runner- still working on that- the chain reaction of muscle imbalances and other issues from that injury became more glaringly apparent. My left foot does not always want to flex and follow through. For years it would simply plant itself flat as I ran, because I wasn’t getting the proper proprioceptive feedback. This led to various hip, hamstring, and low back issues. Issues I am still working through two years after the surgery. Apparently, 15+ years of patterns cannot be undone in a year.

My running life is now divided: pre and post surgery. In January 2015, I ran the Houston Chevron Marathon using a deferment from where I was entered to run 2014. Originally when I signed up for Houston, pre-surgery, it was to be run with Boston in mind. Post surgery, as the rehab and injury issues came to light, I ran to complete and for fun. Once Houston was done, I decided in 2015 to focus on the half marathon. I wanted to better my speed and endurance so I could return to a more successful and hopefully Boston or NYC qualifying marathon. That was my main overall goal. My specific goal was a little more ambitious: to lower my PR (pre-surgery) from 1:41:17 to under 1:40:00.

My goal race this year was in October, allowing time for base building and for the first time some speed work. I also entered a race series put on by the local multisport club. The series allowed me to use races for speed work and race practice. My goal race was horrible. Physically I struggled early on with GI issues and mentally I didn’t have my head in it. I had psyched myself out before the race weekend even happened, spending too much time in my own head. I came in at 1:47:55. The overall female, Heidi S., was 49 and came in at 1:25:15… Heidi doesn’t know it, but her amazing race time plus the fact that she is 8 years older than me, renewed my hope and determination after that dismal run.

Two days after my goal race I received an email from fleet feet with this blog post:

http://www.fleetfeetstlouis.com/news/racing-and-pacing-strategies

I was inspired after reading this and I ran another half marathon on November 7th. I ran it not with a time goal, but simply the goal of a better second half with a negative split. With this plan firmly planted into my stubborn brain, there was no more room left for self sabotage and it worked! Not only did I run a negative split, I came in at 1:47:07- faster than my goal race. The best part, it was a much more pleasurable run. Thanks Coach Tim Cary!

It is now November 28th, 2015 is coming quickly to an end and my PR goal hasn’t happened. I may try again in December, but I haven’t decided yet. So for 2016? I think my goals are the same as any runner: Run faster and avoid injury. I still want to drop my half time under 1:40 and Heidi is proof that I am not too old at 41 to have that dream. Again, pre-surgery my running goals were more sharply defined. Now, post surgery, I am just as determined as before, but I have also learned to be more flexible and listen to my body more. I still have the long term goal of being a competitive masters runner and there are plenty of examples that tell me this is also a possibility. So, 2016 will be a year of incorporating more cross training by exploring new things with the century ride (I am new to cycling- that’s another post) and continuing on my journey towards becoming a stronger, faster and more competitive masters runner. I have a lot of possibilities there for improvement. I look forward to pursuing this and researching different ideas. One being, the possibility of a coach to help concentrate my focus and training. Did I mention I work full time and also go to school? These things make planning even more challenging, but the rewards that much greater.