I just awoke from a nap, clutching my stomach and tears rolling down my face.
The dream did not make much sense until the very end. I was searching, working with photos and texts. One person behind me, a man, challenged me saying I wasn’t working. I replied that it was personal. He says, ‘but it is only pictures’. I say, ‘Fine do you want to see it then?’. I turned to give him what I had been working on, but couldn’t find it. It wasn’t until my friend asks, ‘What are these little dots?’, that I understood. I said in a panic, ‘Where is it?! Where do you see it?’ While still in my dream, the realization suddenly hit me what I was dreaming about. I rested my forehead on the desk clutching my now flattened stomach that seemed to turn in on itself it was so empty and began to cry.
This is what running does for you. It rips you open to the very center of your being and sharpens, brings to focus, the things you believed you had dealt with or even just things that will never be forgotten. You know it will do this and you still go out the door. You embrace the quiet of the predawn, because despite the pain and discomfort of running, every time you run you are choosing to live, completely and fully. Maybe it is because the anniversary of their coming into being is only weeks away. It has been almost 3 years since their conception and then loss. Or maybe, it is that several people have brought up the fact that despite my upcoming birthday, maybe it is not too late.
Or maybe it is because this time my running is different. In the past, running has always been a coping mechanism, a way to relieve pain and stress. After the miscarriage, the miles were almost to punish my body for failing my babies and me. Now, post surgery, I run and build miles because of a love for my body and the strength it has shown me through running. Now, I run and build miles because of the strength my heart and mind have shown me through running. We have gone full circle, my body, heart and mind and have united.
Dr. George Sheehan wrote: “When I run, I am the hunter and the prey is my self, my own truth.” and that is why I run. Well, one of the reasons…
Originally written 8/24/14